It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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