Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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