From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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