I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
