I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
