Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
