Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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