hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize