You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
