Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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