the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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