I think my vagina is haunted
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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