It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
