He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
