Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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