having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
