He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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