apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
