life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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