I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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