I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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