The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
