What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
