I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
