My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
