i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
