New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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