u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
