I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
