my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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