Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You've changed since you got that strap on
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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