just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
