Barsexuality is the new black.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
