Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize