She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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