is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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