My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
