he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
