So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
