After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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