if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
