There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize