If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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