Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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