She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
