Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i've created a new STD.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
