He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
