My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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