your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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