the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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