I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is Oprah even human
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
