He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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