i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
