You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
