i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
