im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
