im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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