I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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