You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
