How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
