ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
