I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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