She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
