I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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