we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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